r/mildlyinfuriating • u/FirebreathingNG • 15h ago
My mom said I could post Invited my parents to my house on Sunday. They said ‘no’.
My parents are in their 70s. I try to be a good son and see them once a week or at least every other week. Normally it involves my mother inviting my family over for lunch on Sunday. This week, I invited them to my house for lunch and I got a “No, we’ll pass.”
Not “Sorry, we already made plans.” Or “We’re a little under the weather.” Just “Nah.”
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u/Dxbr72 15h ago
My aunt stopped coming to visit, turns out she had developed IBS and thought the drive time was too risky. She was afraid she would poop her pants en route and too ashamed to tell anyone.
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u/Pretend-Function-133 15h ago
I live in Florida, my brother lives in Oregon. He came on vacation and I invited him and his wife over for dinner. His exact words were “I didn’t come all the way to Florida to just eat at some guys house”
I’m a professional chef….
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u/TaroMochi13 14h ago
I live in Germany and my parents in Switzerland. It takes an Hour by plane i usually take the Train because of my dogs which takes about 7- 8 Hours. I have been here 7 years and Nobody visited me… My mother Said it is just easier when I visit them but they are both healthy and have no obligations. Even when I asked if they wanted to come to my Wedding, my mother Said that because of the luggage it is just too stressful. It hurts but I guess its just too much for them
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u/AngTh31 14h ago
My husband's grandparents wouldn't visit our house. We learned it was because they could not use our half bathroom (the only one available on the main floor of our house) because there is no hand rail or anything else to assist them with using the toilet.
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u/Mulching-SZN 15h ago
This sounds like a George Costanza scenario
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u/driftercat 12h ago edited 11h ago
For people in their 70s who don't go visiting but do host guests it is often one of these issues:
digestive or bathroom issues. These are easy to manage in your own home but embarrassing as a guest
pain issues. They may have back pain, arthritis, other pain issues. If they are taking pain medication they may not feel safe driving on their medication.
driving issues. They may have cataracts or other advanced eye issues. They may have trouble with slow reaction time. They may have more difficulty with the quick mental ability needed to manage traffic
Edit to add:
Second edit:
This is, as I said, specifically about people who don't go visiting. It is OFTEN, but not always, that these are issues that make travel or visiting difficult.
If you or your friends are robust and happy to go traveling and visiting in your 50s to 90s and older, this is not about you. And it doesn't make these reasons "bullshit" because other people do have these reasons.
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u/Disastrous_Cherry_36 13h ago
Ive been on both sides of this. My mom cant be bothered to make time for half her kids but is always bending over backwards for her favorites.
I, meanwhile, have a sister who is difficult to be around and her husband is just as bad. I love my sister but I dont like her as a person. No way I can tell her that without tearing the whole family apart. I'm resigned to being the jerk that keeps rejecting their begging me to visit.
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u/One-Detective63 15h ago
If they regularly invite you, but decline an invite to your place. I would guess there is something about your place they don’t care for. Maybe pets, overall cleanliness, perhaps the assumed cuisine that might be served. I will say that asking them why might open another can of worms. If they are honest, it might lead to hurt feelings and worsening of the relationship. You could still intermittently invite them and if they continue to decline, decide whether or not to ask them if there is a reason or see if there is something that would make them more comfortable coming over.
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u/RedditPosterOver9000 13h ago
My grandparents wouldn't visit us at our house even though we were maybe 20 miles away.
No problems driving 3 hours to their beach house and back the same day just to cut the grass. Something about visiting their 3 grandkids just down the road was something they didn't want to do. But they'd complain about people not visiting them.
It goes back to the times when old people really got their asses kissed regardless of how shitty a person they were and no matter how terrible your parents were you were expected to kiss up to them for the rest of their lives.
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u/Dull-Confection5788 15h ago edited 14h ago
I got this from my mom too. When I was in my early 20s and she was early 50s. I found out there’s a mother-daughter relationship other families had where moms and daughters would actually spend time together and shop or go to lunch.
I called my mom and would ask her to go, she’d decline. Erm……no.
I finally asked through choking on the rejection yet again: why?
The answer: you know how you are.
I knew I was the only one making the effort and she was the one refusing to try.
Parents can be fucking assholes, just so ya know.
Edit: playing nice with me didn’t support my mom’s narrative that she’s a better person than me. It didn’t fit the false image she painted for other people.
Edit 2: it’s worse than I thought, she was still in her 40s! She had me at 24.
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u/Far_Oven_3302 14h ago
I used to visit my mom monthly after my dad died, nine hours of transit one way. Tried inviting her to my family, her arthritis couldn't handle the one hour drive she says. She remarries, starts driving past my house to go to her hubbie's friends. I say, great drop by, she doesn't. Then she starts regularly teasing me about driving by and not visiting for ten years to get a rise out of me. I haven't spoke to her in two years.
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u/GrumplFluffy 12h ago
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u/AboutThatOne 12h ago
Had a similar situation... found out later it was because my house had to many stairs to get inside. It was difficult for them to manage the steps and they were worried about a fall. They wouldn't have said anything out of courtesy and pride.
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u/Akron-maide-2024 8h ago
I am a mother in her 70s. Neither of my sons will invite me to their house. I live alone and still host all the holidays, and drive when we go anywhere together. I would love a son who would appreciate me. Are you available for adoption?
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u/OceanParkNo16 12h ago
My parents are long gone, but one thing I greatly appreciated was that they would not hesitate to simply say no to things. That meant that when they said yes, you honestly knew it was not a bother, and they genuinely wanted to participate.
My husband’s parents never said no and my good lord they really over-extended themselves often. They were also lovely people, but it added a dimension to planning that I found unfortunate. We adult kids were always trying to guess what was really too much for them.
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u/3lGuap0 13h ago
When my dad hit his 60s, he would fire off an automatic 'no' without even thinking about it when offered anything out of his routine.
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u/sobiithurts 14h ago
Feel this. My mom barely ever comes to my house because she cant smoke inside.🥲
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u/patersondave 11h ago
82M, i got no kids to visit but i have a WRX and still get around. one of my few high school friends lived about 100 miles away and was surprised i offered to go see him, two years ago. unfortunately, for him, he had worse cancer than i have and died soon after.
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u/KrivUK 15h ago
From another perspective it’s your Mum. She might like you around hers so she can cook and look after you. It might be the highlight of her week.
Either that or your parents are grumpy old farts.
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u/boxdogz 13h ago
I spent the last 20 years trying to get my dad to come visit my home . We lived about 3 hours apart . I would say it’s a cultural thing or a generational thing where it’s the expectation of the child to visit the parents . Which may be true . My dad lived close to his mom and she always expected him to visit her.
But I always wanted my dad to come see the life I had built , see my kids at home to see what they really act like, not just when we are out at a restaurant when I visit them.
My dad died earlier this year and it does feel like I never was able to get him to see a huge part of who I am because he never visited me and my family in my home.
Hope you are able to get them to visit as I understand its importance.
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u/EricTheNerd2 15h ago
Did you ask them why? Communication beats speculation...
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u/jagger129 13h ago
She has a reason, just ask. Is it because she is tired, or doesn’t want to drive? Or because she’s just more comfortable in her house? That happens when people get older, they get to be home bodies.
It could be a reason that is unexpected. My sister would be surprised to know that I avoid her house because she has 3 large dogs that jump on me and slobber on me.
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u/Far-Cup9063 15h ago
Do you know why they don’t want to come to your house? Is there something or someone there they do not like?
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u/webgambit 11h ago
A person is not truly free until they can turn down a dinner invitation without an excuse.
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u/Haunting-Gur-202 14h ago
Some old people don’t enjoy other peoples houses. Everything gets more difficult as you grow older. You senses start to dull, making driving and traveling a little more dangerous. A bad hip or bad knee in a car ride can hurt them. Bathroom issues. Old people can get exhausted easily. It could be anything really. Gonna have to ask to find out for sure.
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u/voteblue18 14h ago
My parents got weird like this when they got older too. I’ve heard similar from friends too. Don’t take it personally and keep going to see them, you’ll regret it if you don’t.
It will probably happen to me too, if I’m lucky enough to get old.
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u/Particular_Maize6849 11h ago
honestly, just saying no without trying to justify yourself to social interaction is impressive. I’m here for it.
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u/breadman889 6h ago
Be happy they aren't making up excuses.
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u/86_emeralds 15h ago
How far away are you? My grandmother is pushing 80 and although in excellent health she has only been to the home I bought three years ago once when someone else drove her. She lives about an hr and a half away. She drives locally often but doesn’t like my rural, windy mountainous roads and I don’t blame her
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u/crumb_bums 13h ago
My wife and I live about 2 miles down the road from my her sister and her family of 5. Their brother and his family lives an hour from his sisters. Every Thanksgiving and Christmas we all drive 2+ hours to spend the day at their parents’ house, which doesn’t comfortably seat 6 people, let alone 12+. The parents never come up to our area for the holidays. We even have a private room and bathroom they could stay in, and they still refuse. I can’t wrap my head around it. I guess the point is that older people really like the comfort of their own home.
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u/Vechio49 3h ago
If it was me the next time I was invited over there I would say no just to see what the response would be.
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u/dirtymykandthebois 15h ago
So what happened last week at Sunday lunch?
When was the last time they took a meal at your house, and what happened then?
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u/Too_Ton 15h ago
Sometimes people don’t want to hangout. Parents included.